Taking Her For “Granite”

February 14, 2011

Early 1992

It wasn’t long after acquiring my BA in English from BYU that I noticed I’d become something of a stickler about the proper use of the English Language.  Hearing people say that a point was “mute” instead of “moot”, that they were doing “good” instead of “well”, or that they’d taken a person for “granite” instead of “granted” about drove me up a wall.

I’ve gotten better about it in the past nearly twenty years, but from time to time, I still end up finding myself correcting others.  Not that I don’t think they should learn the proper way to use their native tongue, I’m just not sure they should have to learn that lesson while they’re waiting for their table at Chilis.

Earlier this year, sitting somewhere hoping that Kolette could get better faster, heal more quickly, and get out of the hospital, I heard someone talk about how they’d taken their loved one for Granite.  As I worked to suppress the desire to correct them, I thought aboutt what they were saying  and learned that I felt the same way.

When you take a person for granted, your assuming that they are just always going to be there, and that since you believe they’ll always be around, you don’t nurture or take care of them.

Now there’s no doubt that I take Kolette for granted–I try not to, but I know that I do, and that I probably have in some form or another since the middle of October 1991 when we went on our first date.

But, I do believe I take her for “granite” too.  Granite is one of the hardest rocks in the world.  People build on and with the stuff all over the world, because it’s strong, sturdy and beautiful to boot.  This last year, when Kolette was so sick, and there was talk about her not making it, I was scared to death because I began to realize how much of my life was built on her indomitable strength.  Those who know her, in person or through the net, know what I’m talking about.  What’s more, is she has a way of sharing that strength, so that just by knowing her you find yourself stronger than you ever thought you could be.

She’s also the definition of sturdy.  She’s confident.  She know who she is, and isn’t afraid to let you know. That kind of courage is difficult to find.  And Kolette has a way of making those around her feel more confident and sturdy about who they are as well.  That sturdiness also translates to a dedication that’s unparalled. When Ko decides she’s going to something, you’d better get on board, or get out of the way.

But, as strong, and sturdy as Kolette is, she’s even more beautiful.  Both inside and out she is simply the most beautiful person i’ve ever know.  I love to be around her.  I can truly say, that I have never been in a place, or experienced a day that wasn’t more beautiful because she was in it.

I love her, and that’s the truth.  In fact, even with my BA in English I still don’t have the words to describe how much.

And on this Valentines Day, I’m going to try not to take her for “granted” and enjoy her strength, be grateful for her sturdiness, and revel in her strength instead.

In short, I’m going to take her for “granite”

I love you Ko,

Jason

 


The Other Side Of The Bed

October 14, 2010

I’ve been away from the blog for a while, but to say that things have been a little crazy around the Hall Home is an understatement to say the least.

For those who don’t know, on May 1st Kolette was admitted to the hospital with Gall-Stone Pancreatitis.  When she was admitted, the doctors in the ER told us that this illness was one of the most painful they ever see.

 

Kolette in the ICU

 

Over the last six months we’ve learned that they were right.  She’s had multiple procedures, one major operation (where they removed 80% of her necrotic pancreas), and has spent nearly two months in the hospital (about a week of which was in the Intensive Care Unit).  In addition, she’s been on high doses of pain medicine, fed though an IV, had her stomach swell to the point where one doc assumed her to be 10 months pregnant, and nearly lost her life.

Without hyperbole, I can say Kolette has been pushed to her ultimate limit—and the whole ordeal is far from over. (Who knew one little gallstone could cause so much grief…right?)  She still fights tremendous pain, and struggles everyday to have the energy to take care of our 20-month-old Cole.  She has to go to the hospital multiple times a week for things like physical therapy, dressing changes, and infusions, and spends nearly all her effort working to be able to eat again without dire consequences–C’mon sing along…”Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset Stomach, Diarrhea.” (click on the link if you can’t recall the tune)

 

Kolette's swollen belly

 

The truth is, it’s been difficult on everyone.  Coleman’s had to learn how to live out of a suitcase. Our little rock star has been on a whirlwind tour that’s taken him all over the state with frequent stops at Aunt Kara’s, Aunt Carolie’s, and his all-time favorite—Grandma’s.

 

Coleman on a rare visit to the hospital

 

As for yours truly, on one hand, I’ve had to step up to a whole new level of independence. I’ve had to learn how to take care of myself in ways I never imagined that I could. Part of that has meant making sacrifices—I mean sometimes you realize meals like breakfast, lunch, and dinner are way overrated. On the other hand I’ve had to accept more help. When you’re a C5-6 quadriplegic, you feel like it’s impossible to accept more help (Heck, if I listed the things I needed help with before all this, we be here for a month.) But, I’ve learned to humble myself and have been grateful for the people in my church and my neighborhood that has stepped up and helped with anything I required.

I’ve learned so much through this whole experience. However, of all the things I’ve learned, I think the most powerful has been the understanding of what it’s like on what I call, “The Other Side of the Bed.”

Throughout my life I’ve always been the one in the family who’s been ill. Just look at my record…Broken neck—check, multiple surgeries—check, infection and hospitalization—check, life-threatening car wreck—check, and so on. It was my role in the family, and I played it well if I do say so myself. I was the person in bed, sick and with his life on the line.  To this point I’d never been asked to be, “on the other side of the bed” watching the one you love suffer.

Then, on the 1st of May, things changed.  Ko now was fighting for her life, and all I could do was watch.

It is by far the most helpless I have ever felt in my life (and this coming from a guy who can’t move 7/8 of his body.) There was absolutely nothing I could do but sit in Ko’s room and tell again and again how I loved her, and how proud I was to witness her courage and fortitude.

I know some might wonder how much control a person really has lying in the bed after a major accident or illness. Yet, for me regardless of how much control I had over my physical situation, I had control over my attitude. I could be happy. I could be determined. I could make a sad situation less gloomy for those who visited, and all of this would give me a sense of control.

“On the other side of the bed,” you have absolutely no sense of control at all. In fact, to the contrary, you feel totally completely out of control. You watch, and wait, hoping your love and support is enough, but in the end it’s all up to the person in the bed.

People always tell me how amazed they are that I’ve been able to endure the challenges of my life. These past months have taught me an invaluable lesson. The amazing ones are those who’ve spent hours and hours at my bedside. I’m sure they’ve felt as helpless and out of control as I did, and yet they stayed still.

This experience has also reminded me that a little understanding goes a long way. Trading places with Kolette has helped me understand her point of view. It’s allowed me to understand how she felt in those dark days after my accident, and helped me to realize why she was motivated to push hard when I felt she’d already pushed too much. This understanding helps me appreciate and love her all the more.

Similarly, the prejudice and judgment that exists in the world today can be as easily removed if people will simply try to see things from “other sides.” When we look at others and don’t understand why they seemingly get all the breaks, have all the chances, or get to live a life that we perceive is free of difficulty and strife, we have to try and see things from their point of view. The more we see their side, the more we will understand. That understanding will breed love and remove hate. It will spread humility and alleviate pride. It will bring compassion and eschew cruelty.

At the end of the day this experience has taught me that two things are true. First, I am truly blessed to have people like my sweet wife and wonderful mother who have spent hours at my bedside to show their support and let me know that I was loved. Second, even though it’s often hard, I like my life. I’m lucky and blessed. I want to try and concentrate on how wonderful my side of this existence is and quit worrying about everybody else. I want to fill my heart with gratitude and rid it of judgment.

For, when it’s all said and done, I’ll stay on my side of the bed thank you. For the “other sides” out there are simply far more difficult than advertised.

Jh-


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